Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
