I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
