i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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