i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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