just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
