Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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