I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
