i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
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Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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