I just pynch a tree in the face
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
