What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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