Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
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been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
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I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize