hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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