dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
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