My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
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In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
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Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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