my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
