I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
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Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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