I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
