i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
