so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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