You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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