There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
