Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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