hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
