He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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