the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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