Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
