I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She even gives head with a lisp.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
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No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
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Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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