Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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