I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I will pee on everything he values.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
