Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He passed out mid-signature
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
