Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
