fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
