Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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