she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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