Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
