well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
