I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
