i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
