I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
