My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
