I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
