Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
