Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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