The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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