so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
