last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
