I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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