Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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