I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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