did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
