just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕