Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
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Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life