why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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