the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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