I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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