every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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