You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
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Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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