I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
