I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
