3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
