I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
