Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
