her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
